empty?
i have a question. why do i keep thinking that i'm useless?
simple. cause i am.
i don't want to. yet i am.
i keep trying but seems like its over. yet my heart still couldnt let her go. i think of her all the time. and it made me feel worse.
family, friends. there's no one i can open up to. to talk to. why am i like this? why couldnt i be a bubbly person laughing all problems away? why couldnt i have many friends to hang out with? how come is it that it's so difficult to find someone to pour out my feelings to? i am getting tired. so many problems. no solutions. enduring the pain all by myself..
how lucky i am to have a home. a family. friends. education. a decent urban lifestyle. yet at this point, nothing means anything to me.
a home with four walls. family which an invisible barrier has quietly made a gap between me and them. friends aplenty but how many of them really understands me? none perhaps. education. great. so what? i feel empty.
i'm struggling alone. probably i am not. but is sure feels that way at the moment. i close my eyes and the stream of thoughts that gushes into my head didn't allow me to sleep.
why i have to come to be like this? CARE seems so far away.
the best part is..i know all the answers to the questions above.
it's all because of who i am. i am not confident. i need guidance. i am afraid of being at home. blame me cause it's where i'll always be. blame me cause i don't have a friendly nature. i don't put the extra effort to care for my friends. and my family. everything is good. blame me for not being able to share a piece of me with them. it just seems so unreachable. and then i found love. i was melted. blame me again for taking the wrong turn. i screwed up. now i am even colder than before. blame me for keeping my feelings to myself. i know my mistakes. but what can i do about it? i dont want to be this way. can i control it?? i dont know..
empty. living empty days. feeling empty. empty dreams. empty hopes. empty smile. crying empty tears.
what fucked up situation is this???
and after all this, i will wake up to another similar day. when will things change? when will i change?
i pray and hope for better days ahead..
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~my heart goes out to the victims of 5.12 Sichuan earthquake. you are all brave souls. be strong. bu yao fang chi. da jia yao yi ji jia you!! i couldnt do much. all i could afford is to pray sincerely for the wellbeing of the survivors. i feel helpless now. tell me, why is it not surprising? ;)~
posted by naughtyzu @ 11:49 AM
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