April's Worth (2)

5.10 and that's it. silently, i was praying hard to let me see her off. i wanted to prove to myself and my car or whatever that was with me THAT i can wait for her.

time struck at 5.10. i drove off dissapointed. well, she probably might have slipped off my sight. whatever reason it is, it was enough to make me fall again. i realised. i have not recovered.

went through the massive jam with utmost skill and bravery to shorten the journey period. reached home at 7pm, all bruised and battered, emotionally. but no one knows. it's all within me.

i knew i had to let it out tonight. after dinner, then shower. locked the door. off the light. and i practically forced myself to let my tears flow.

i cried my first tears for this amazing girl that came and lightened up my life. the same girl that is slowly taking the light away from me. i don't want to lose her.

the questions are: am i able to stop that? what should i do? how should i face this world alone?

sadness. darkness. looms ahead.
happiness. love. the two strangers.

i fell too deep. i need to break out of this. i need to recover. one thing for sure.

i...really do love you...

April's Worth

i'm not a regular blogger. well, it's pretty obvious isn't it? but i don't quite like seeing a month without a post.

it's 11.34pm. as usual, last minute work... gotta hit it before 12am.

So, here i go...

April. this month has never made a significant in my life. but from now, it will. it came through as a pretty long month to me.

this is when i couldn't hold my feelings anymore. i blurted it all out. got rejected. tried to salvage a friendship. got through it. RECOVERED! in just 5 days time. she didn't believe it. and i assured her i was ok.

simple thoughts that made me feel better. loving someone as your other half doesn't mean that you must have her. or him. of course, if you could become a couple, then that's a big, fat bonus that i'm clearly deprived of.

today, i got a question from my sis. why couldn't you just stay at home and study for your exams next week? why go through all the trouble of drivin? btw, the traffic jam on the way back was hell.

the answer's very simple. obvious enough to me. i wanted to see her. i'm afraid i'll forget how she looks like. i just wanted to be close to her.

things turned out otherwise. we promised each other to be in a friendship. but the gap between us is even larger now. i put one step forward, she steps back one step. it took me till today to realise that if things could be as before, it would take a pretty darn long time.

i sat there all alone. she came out of the library with a friend. i could merely get this out of my mouth. what time are u going back?4.30 it seems. and she went in the lift without any other words to me. there could be a million things i could do right there and then to better things up. i just watched the chance slipped by.

got down to my car. adjusted my mirror to face the college gate. and i kept a close watch for her mum's or dad's car. it was stupid but..i don't know.

and i wait, wait and waited. 4.45. 4.50. 5.00!! by then, i was already 40 mins in my car. i told myself. ok. 5.10 and that's it...

(due to STRICT time consideration, i will publish this post first..;)