A day i will always remember

my life changed completely when my parents left to a far far place. i was left with my frail, old grandmother.

days for a 4-year-old were different for me from the other kids. my grandmother had to work day and night just to make ends meet. we make muffins at night and sell them at dawn. during good days, our earnings may reach up to RM50 but there were also days where business was fruitless.

7 years-old. time for me to go into primary one. i was reluctant. i did not have any interest in studies but Grandma insisted that i have a good education in order to have a better life in the future.

up to primary six, i was just an average student. i wanted to quit studies back then but Grandma made me continue learning in the secondary school. she had a very unique way of convincing me. i then believed education is essential.

on my 12th birthday in november, it was a like any other routine day. i could still remember that business was very slow that day. it was still early, but Grandma told me to pack our stuffs and head home. it was never like her. then i thought maybe Grandma wants to celebrate my birthday.

i was wrong. after a simple dinner, still there was nothing. i got furious and slammed my room door shut. i went straight to bed.

next morning, i was shocked to see a neatly wrapped package on my table. as i slowly unwrapped the beeeautiful thing, i strained my eyes for a glimpse of the content. out of the blue, i was holding my first ever dictionary. there was note on it.

From: Grandma

two simple words, but they brought a whole new meaning of life.

i am a successful lawyer now. in my hands, is the old dictionary. i looked out the window towards the sky and whispered..

Thank you, Grandma!

empty?

i have a question. why do i keep thinking that i'm useless?

simple. cause i am.

i don't want to. yet i am.

i keep trying but seems like its over. yet my heart still couldnt let her go. i think of her all the time. and it made me feel worse.

family, friends. there's no one i can open up to. to talk to. why am i like this? why couldnt i be a bubbly person laughing all problems away? why couldnt i have many friends to hang out with? how come is it that it's so difficult to find someone to pour out my feelings to? i am getting tired. so many problems. no solutions. enduring the pain all by myself..

how lucky i am to have a home. a family. friends. education. a decent urban lifestyle. yet at this point, nothing means anything to me.

a home with four walls. family which an invisible barrier has quietly made a gap between me and them. friends aplenty but how many of them really understands me? none perhaps. education. great. so what? i feel empty.

i'm struggling alone. probably i am not. but is sure feels that way at the moment. i close my eyes and the stream of thoughts that gushes into my head didn't allow me to sleep.

why i have to come to be like this? CARE seems so far away.

the best part is..i know all the answers to the questions above.

it's all because of who i am. i am not confident. i need guidance. i am afraid of being at home. blame me cause it's where i'll always be. blame me cause i don't have a friendly nature. i don't put the extra effort to care for my friends. and my family. everything is good. blame me for not being able to share a piece of me with them. it just seems so unreachable. and then i found love. i was melted. blame me again for taking the wrong turn. i screwed up. now i am even colder than before. blame me for keeping my feelings to myself. i know my mistakes. but what can i do about it? i dont want to be this way. can i control it?? i dont know..

empty. living empty days. feeling empty. empty dreams. empty hopes. empty smile. crying empty tears.

what fucked up situation is this???

and after all this, i will wake up to another similar day. when will things change? when will i change?

i pray and hope for better days ahead..

_________________________________________________

~my heart goes out to the victims of 5.12 Sichuan earthquake. you are all brave souls. be strong. bu yao fang chi. da jia yao yi ji jia you!! i couldnt do much. all i could afford is to pray sincerely for the wellbeing of the survivors. i feel helpless now. tell me, why is it not surprising? ;)~

Drowning

i do not know how to swim,

yet i fell into this loveless river.



i am trying my best to keep my head up,

every single day.



but how long can i go on like this?



show me a branch,

show me an opportunity,

and i will grasp it tightly.



please!

somebody throw me a float.

pull me out!



for i don't know how long more before i drown

with the strong current now.

April's Worth (2)

5.10 and that's it. silently, i was praying hard to let me see her off. i wanted to prove to myself and my car or whatever that was with me THAT i can wait for her.

time struck at 5.10. i drove off dissapointed. well, she probably might have slipped off my sight. whatever reason it is, it was enough to make me fall again. i realised. i have not recovered.

went through the massive jam with utmost skill and bravery to shorten the journey period. reached home at 7pm, all bruised and battered, emotionally. but no one knows. it's all within me.

i knew i had to let it out tonight. after dinner, then shower. locked the door. off the light. and i practically forced myself to let my tears flow.

i cried my first tears for this amazing girl that came and lightened up my life. the same girl that is slowly taking the light away from me. i don't want to lose her.

the questions are: am i able to stop that? what should i do? how should i face this world alone?

sadness. darkness. looms ahead.
happiness. love. the two strangers.

i fell too deep. i need to break out of this. i need to recover. one thing for sure.

i...really do love you...

April's Worth

i'm not a regular blogger. well, it's pretty obvious isn't it? but i don't quite like seeing a month without a post.

it's 11.34pm. as usual, last minute work... gotta hit it before 12am.

So, here i go...

April. this month has never made a significant in my life. but from now, it will. it came through as a pretty long month to me.

this is when i couldn't hold my feelings anymore. i blurted it all out. got rejected. tried to salvage a friendship. got through it. RECOVERED! in just 5 days time. she didn't believe it. and i assured her i was ok.

simple thoughts that made me feel better. loving someone as your other half doesn't mean that you must have her. or him. of course, if you could become a couple, then that's a big, fat bonus that i'm clearly deprived of.

today, i got a question from my sis. why couldn't you just stay at home and study for your exams next week? why go through all the trouble of drivin? btw, the traffic jam on the way back was hell.

the answer's very simple. obvious enough to me. i wanted to see her. i'm afraid i'll forget how she looks like. i just wanted to be close to her.

things turned out otherwise. we promised each other to be in a friendship. but the gap between us is even larger now. i put one step forward, she steps back one step. it took me till today to realise that if things could be as before, it would take a pretty darn long time.

i sat there all alone. she came out of the library with a friend. i could merely get this out of my mouth. what time are u going back?4.30 it seems. and she went in the lift without any other words to me. there could be a million things i could do right there and then to better things up. i just watched the chance slipped by.

got down to my car. adjusted my mirror to face the college gate. and i kept a close watch for her mum's or dad's car. it was stupid but..i don't know.

and i wait, wait and waited. 4.45. 4.50. 5.00!! by then, i was already 40 mins in my car. i told myself. ok. 5.10 and that's it...

(due to STRICT time consideration, i will publish this post first..;)

A Stranger's Love

When i was young, I was well-taught and brought up to be a very very good boy. And i'm proud to say that I don't smoke now. I don't take alcohol and foul words don't come out of my mouth that easily.

I believe that lots of good values have been instilled into each and everyone of you when you were young. My problem is i took it too seriously.

a strange love developed. Compassionate love for strangers.

Strangers walk in and out of our life every single day. Probably yesterday, a Chinese lady heaving a heavy backpack came up to you. "Sir, do you want to buy some Chinese tea?? Very fragrant!! From China!!"

Now, i remember this one particular man in my neighbourhood. He moves around on a wheelchair. It's motorised, mind you. This uncle sells lottery tickets. Pirated CDs, VCDs and DVDs are his products at the night market. Everytime i see him, i think to myself... Earning a living eventhough he's physically disabled.. Until at one point of my childhood, i had an ambition. To be a man full of riches to be given away to people like him. Mere strangers.

But it became clearer and clearer to me as I grow up. These people are working hard to live their life. Unfortunately, this is how life goes for them. Honestly, i found it very difficult to cope with the cruel world outside my classrooms. What was right is now wrong and some things wrong can turn out to be right! No more giving way to others. It's all about survival, my fren.. In simple terms, it means BE SELFISH!!

Selling pirated CDs are wrong legally. Yes, but if he doesn't have an income, where is he to get money for treatment? If you say from the public, government or whatever associations, how long are they willing to pay? His whole life?? I don't think so.

Kids and elderly people who comes up asking for donations. As a kind-hearted fellow who i believe many of you are, you would at least chip in 10 cents. Minimum 10 cents. But have you ever thought that these people might be deceiving you of your money? You are doing the right thing but you probably helped the wrong people. That simple. That complicated.

Just a few weeks ago, on my way back from college, a man smiled at me. When we were crossing the road to the bus stop, only then i noticed he was limping with a stick. As the very good boy i am, i should have helped him. I didn't.

Even worse, he started moving around with an empty paper cup in his hands from one person to another. I considered giving a ringgit or two. When it came to my turn, i immediately refused. Why?

Because somehow, i see my money as becoming an encouragement for him to continue this "activity". Was I wrong? Was i right? Actually, it depends on how you see it. I felt bad soon after but all i could tell myself is welcome to the real world!

Just a simple memory of the strangers that came across my path are the only LOVE i could afford for them... For now.

back where i left

last post: Jan 7
today: Mar 14
duration: 2months 2 weeks
reason: lost the LOVE for online activities..
conclusion: I'm Back where i Left...